Monday, February 19, 2007

Different...Not In a Bad Way...Just Different

On Saturday night hubby hit me with one of the worst comments you can make to a wife…“you’re different from the way you were in college. Not in a bad way, just different.” Do you understand how hard I have tried to never hear those words? And yet here I am, just after 6 ½ years of marriage, hearing those horrible words. Of course, he kept saying he wasn’t being mean, and he’s sure that he’s changed, and obviously I’m a mom, and that changes a lot, and yadda-yadda-yadda. Nope. Can’t undo that statement. He says I’m more introverted (weird, because I have found I have a lot more outgoingness since I’ve had kids) and that I wouldn’t try things now that I would have tried in college. It’s really hard; I have vowed that I will never turn into the typical “mom”. I will not grow into the typical “mom look” and I will try my hardest to not be too much of an embarrassment to my kids. So now I’m worried…am I heading that way? I know that hubby was not trying to start a fight, and of course I didn’t turn it into one…I just made a mental note to try to get back to the way I used to be. I know we all change, but at the same time, he fell in love with me the way I was back then…I don’t think it’s fair to change on him just because I want to (unless we’re talking obvious changes, i.e. no more staying out late with my friends…I have a hubby and kids! Etc.). And I felt bad because his comment to me saying “I’m sure I’ve changed too”…I can’t really think of a major way that he has changed…he’s still the great guy that I fell in love with 10 years ago, and actually, he’s gotten greater with now being a wonderful father.

So I guess I’m just going to be a little more careful about getting too “comfortable” in my life. If he married someone who liked to go out and have fun and meet new people (although I still swear that wasn’t me) then what right do I have to all of a sudden decide I just want to stay in and not do anything?

What about all of you? Have you changed a lot since your significant other met and fell in love with you?


Anonymous said...

Had the man in my house said that, it would've stung as if he'd hit me in the face. I'm sorry.

I think we all change. It's a combo of getting older, settling down, having more responsibilities, etc. I know I've changed. I like to THINK I've changed for the better.

I would think you have the right to stay in and not do anything. You work full time away from home AND at home. I also think it's important to make time to do things with just the husband, no kiddies. But, I would think you already do that. And, what do I know, anyway :)

Kelly M said...

What is wrong with change?? I think that is a good thing...maybe I'm wrong..but I couldn't imagine being the same person I was 10 years ago. The experiences I've had have changed me for the better and now makes me who I am today! Although I realize you don't want to hear it..but maybe he truly did mean it for the better. Try to look at it from the positive..and I wouldn't change any part of who you are or what you enjoy doing...if that makes you YOU, then go with it...your hubby will love you no matter what!

Bethany said...

Don't they realize that if they feel they need to say "I'm not being mean." they ARE being mean?

I think once you have kids you are changed whether you want to be or not. With kids you have a different outlook and mind set than you did before kids. I think it changes the moms more than the dads.

Danielle Meehan said...

I have to say that I think that I have changed a great deal since I married Brian and had the boy. I wouldn't take it as a dig though.
I guess I think that every experience we have changes us and that while our core values remain the same, everything else changes.
In other words,you're both still the same people inside (the part that really matters). But experience allows you to grow.

Kurt said...

I agree with Kelly M. I couldn't imagine being the same person I was 10 years ago. Which begs the logical question of whether the other person must have changed too.

I guess 'different' means something different for everyone. What you think of as change might not be so for the other person (Dani's point of view). Whether or not you feel you've changed for the better is also debatable from the other person's side (Kellie's POV)

And, Bethany, you mention something that burns men time and time again. Why is it impossible for us to say anything with even just the faintest whiff of not-positiveness? If we do, we're being mean. I better get off this before I sound like I'm whining ("Too late" you're already thinking...)

If we are to believe in Apple's marketing campaign, "Think Different," then different is GOOD.

amy said...

I've definitely changed- as has my husband. Life does that to ya and it doesn't have to be a bad thing. I think we've both changed for a lot of good reasons - having a child does that to ya! I do lament for the early days of marriage sometimes - but I think real, lasting marriage comes from two people changing and accepting those changes in one another.

Amy W said...

I am sure I have changed since getting married. I was 22 and young and didn't have all the obligations I have now. Ray and I will think back to those days and laugh and such, but we like our life now.

Maybe you guys need a night out like you had in college? Relive a favorite bar or restaurant or even go dancing!