Living in my house has been kind of difficult right now…hubby and I aren’t seeing eye-to-eye on some things. I feel like I’m doing a ton for the kids and around the house every night that I think he should be helping me with. He believes it’s his prerogative to sit out and talk with the neighbors if that’s what he wants to do. He seems to have no problem doing what he wants while I run around the house busting my butt to get everything done that needs to be done. I try so hard to provide a clean, loving home for all of them.
We tried to talk about this on the way to our VBS meeting yesterday. He informed me that moms have more “motherly duties” that need done. And that if he wants to talk outside with his friends then he can. So of course we’re not really speaking to each other (unless it has to do with the kids). These statements sound so sexist, and to those of you that don't know him, he is never like this, so I have no idea where it's coming from. It's not like him at all.
I think I’m more confused than anything else…he used to be such a kind and caring dad…you couldn’t pull him away from the kids (or me). But now, it’s like he’s just thinking about himself and what he wants. I asked him what his number one priority was and he told me that he couldn’t believe I was asking him that (implying that I should know it was me). But then I brought up, if I’m asking him, then doesn’t that mean it’s not apparent? How is it that he can just sit around knowing that I’m going 1,000,000 million miles a minute trying to keep the house up (which, by the way, is because for so many years he would have a fit if the house was a mess, so I’ve kind of molded myself to thinking the same way) and take care of the kids?
I’m writing this for a couple of reasons. I’m not bad-mouthing my husband, I love him very much and I just want suggestions maybe on how other people have worked through this issue. We know that we’ll be together forever, divorce is never an option. But I don’t want to keep living like this, so something has to change! I also think it’s important that people don’t put on facades when it comes to their marriages…no marriage is perfect, and they’re all hard work!
This is what’s on my mind today.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
9 comments:
Sorry to hear that. Is he burnt out? Maybe tired from all the painting, running around, etc. you've been doing recently? Or stressed with work? I know when things get really busy for my husband he needs HIS time to destress - regardless as to whatelse is going on in our house.
Maybe you two need to work out some compromises and have times that you both are working on chores and times you both are relaxing. For example, Mondays could be work-free nights: no cleaning, no errands, no chores. Just relaxing and hanging out. Tuesdays, on the other hand, might be when the bathrooms are cleaned and both of you work on them together.
Since you both work full-time, there's no reason for him to do less than 50% of the household chores. So maybe you two need to come up with what needs to be done on a regular basis, when it's going to be done, and how the chores will be divided between the two of you.
We went through a spell several years ago when my husband did not once empty the dishwasher for 14 straight weeks. (Yes, I kept track.) I finally blew sky high and we came up with a plan that we've stuck with ever since: We take turns having Kitchen Duty: one night it's my job and the next job it's his. Whoever doesn't have KD is instead in charge of supervising the children's baths.
Sorry you're having to deal with this. Is it possible that your husband is going through some things that you're unaware of? Maybe he's stressed right now and just blowing off steam by getting away or out for a little while.
Ask him what, if anything, is bothering him.
I agree with what others have said. You should come up with some kind of gameplan to get things done at the same time so you can chill together. Maybe he's stressed about something, as Rachel said, that you're not aware of.
Anything else I'd say would just be repeating what others have said. So, I leave you with "I love Target!". Well, that and really cute shoes :)
My husband and I have spent a fair amount of time discussing (hmm, arguing) over house work during our married lives. I feel like I do it all, and he feels like he doesn't have time to relax. We've recently come up with a solution that had really helped (please remember, we don't have kids, so I have no suggestion for that). I set my kitchen timer for 15 minutes, and we both work together to get something clean. It's amazing how much you can get done. I feel like he's helping me and I get twice as much done. Anyway, it has eliminated a lot of strife between us, and it's only 15 minutes. Perhaps your husband would be willing to do this.
I love that you shared this. I am sad you are going through it though. I think sometimes people need a break. I know I do! I always feel the same way as you though, where it is all on me while he does whatever he wants. It isn't completely true, but that is how I feel sometimes. I have no answers, just sympathy.
I understand what your saying-
I have had these moments myself as well..
All I can say is just keep talking & expressing your concerns and your feelings- It will get resolved eventually..(communication is a good thing)
Take Care!!
:)
Mmmm it's the age old problem I believe. We have been married for 38 yrs and we have gone through the same thing. What did we do??? Well I think for awhile I clammed up, so po'ed at him, I refused to speak. That in turn ticked him off so he didn't speak. In the end we realized we just wasted precious time by not talking. You couldn't tell me that, back then, cause I would have just laughed.
I have no answers for you really, and at least by writing out your feeling, you aren't "clamming up" per say.
I think your up coming week end at the races is perfect!! You may have enough alone time to really "talk" and not about housework, children etc, but about you and him. He may be taking a breather. That's what gets me but I have learned over the years too. Husbands feel they "deserve" a breather, but wives, well we are "super women" and don't need a breather!!! So wrong and I think, mm well hope, after all these years my husband finally sees that.
It's an ongoing thing and communication is the only way to get through, past, and over it.
The issues you're talking about are so familiar to many working moms. I appreciate that you're willing to be open about them!
For me, it's helped to be very honest with my husband about how his effort (or lack thereof) affects me. Sometimes when I keep my resentment quiet, he goes along happily clueless about how I'm feeling. I have to tell him, "Hey, I need your help! I can't do all this by myself." Usually that's a good wakeup call for him, and gets us back on track.
Susan at Working Moms Against Guilt
Post a Comment