Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Tons of Anxiety...

It is so gorgeous here. The sun is shining beautifully and it’s the perfect temperature outside. So while my moods are up and down, at least I can just look out my window and see the gorgeous sunlight and feel instantly a little better.

Last night was a hard night for me. While I was watching TV and hubby and I were “discussing” things (maybe arguing a little, maybe not), I got a huge wave of feeling very overwhelmed. Life is busy right now, and I hate it. I feel like I go nonstop from the minute I wake up in the morning (about 6:15) until the minute I get into bed (around 11:00). I don’t want that kind of life. I want to come home from work and play with the kids (outside preferably) and enjoy my wonderful neighborhood. I hate feeling like I’m doing so many things for so many people…my kids constantly need me, hubby depends on me for a lot, work obviously depends on me…even my neighbor and friend has asked me for my time this weekend to drive her to New York…I feel like I’m going to break down at times.

Now I know, I’ve done most of it to myself in a way. My daughter has gymnastics tonight and a t-ball game tomorrow night. I could have not signed her up for those activities, but I don’t think that’s right either. I could isolate myself and not have any friends that need things from me, but that would make me such a loser and I’d be miserable. I could be a not so great mommy and wife and tell my family that I’m closed for the day, but then why on earth did I get married and have kids if I wanted to do that?

I think it got super overwhelming last night when I realized that I feel like our life is hard right now, when in fact it’s pretty easy with the kids. But I’m going to have a newborn, and that will be very hard. What was I thinking?

What I was thinking is that I want four kids. Now with the first two I absolutely ADORED the baby phase. It was fun, exciting, and new. Now? If I could skip to when this baby is about 20 months I would feel a lot better. The thought of having the fourth baby? Terrifies me right now. I would love to jump ahead to when I have all my kids and they’re all over the age of two. It’s very strange…I used to be very attracted to babies. Anytime I would see one I would desperately want to hold it and play with it. But now? I’m fine not touching a baby, or barely even paying attention to it. But toddlers? I love them! Babies depend on the people around them for everything. I’m definitely not used to that…if my daughter wants a drink she can get it herself if I’m in the middle of something. If my son needs to go potty, he goes (most of the time :) ). I can take the kids to the park and sit on a bench and just soak them in – I don’t have to be on the playground with them anymore. That’s all going to change.

So what does this mean for me? I don’t think too much really…I don’t have any fears that I won’t love or bond with this baby (too late for that :) ). I know after a few months we’ll never remember what life was like before we had three fantastic children. But I do know that it will be a hard adjustment, with no breaks in between. I’m sure I will break down and cry. A lot. But it will get easier, I know that from past experience. I just don’t want to be a mess while I’m waiting for it to get easier. I want to be happy…I want to be a person that people want to be around…not the “crazy lady with too many kids.”

So I’m praying with all my heart that I get an easy and good baby. I know they exist…I’ve heard about them. It’s possible, right?

14 comments:

Jaime said...

I am a new working mom and I enjoy reading your blog. It's hard to be a working mom because the mom stuff is 24 hours a day. Get your hubby or parents to do something with the kids just once a week. I do this and I feel so much better!

Julie said...

I can understand your feelings. I have only two kids (and that's it for us). The idea of a 3rd would be overwhelming to me. But look in the bright side, your kids are great and they are old enough to do many things for themselves. That will come in SO HANDY when the baby arrives. They can play on the playgound while you tend to the baby or help you take care of the baby (fetch diapers, make funny faces, etc).

Rachel said...

I had the same anxiety and fears when I was pregnant with Alyssa. And even though it took some getting used to, I love it. You will do just fine and you are gonna have a ton of help from your daughter too, I bet.

Kellie said...

I'm overwhelmed at the thought of a 2nd baby, never mind a 3rd or more.

I KNOW you will be fine. I KNOW you will find a way to make it all work. You're awesome like that. I agree with the first comment. It's your turn to ask for help. There's nothing wrong with a parent or friend taking your daughter to T-ball or gymnastics one night while you chill with your son or take some time for you.

You'll be in NY this weekend?! Oh how I wish you would be close enough to me.

Hang in there--I know all of what you're feeling right now is totally normal.

:)

Christy said...

Awww, hugs! You know how I have been dealing with my fears of having a 2nd, and I have to say you have been an inspiration to me. You know deep down everything will be fine. We always tend to fear and panic the unknown or unfamiliar. Remember you have your husband there beside you too through it all.

Also, I obviously don't know your guys situation, but do you have to return to work? Is there the possibility of you staying home with the kids for a couple of years?

Sherry said...

I think your feelings are totally normal and alot of them have to do with your hormones right now.
Your mindset too but don't doubt yourself one little bit!! You are awesome and your third child will fit right in like a glove. The love you have for your hubby and children will just over flow to your third child.
Take a deep breath, look at that beautiful sunshine and remember your life is totally AWESOME and it stems from you being such an awesome person, wife and mommy!!!!

radioactive girl said...

I think you will be wonderful. Things just sort themselves out and you are an awesome mom and a person who can handle a lot. You will do great, I know you will!

Daddy Dan said...

Hang in there, Debbie. I'm sure everything will be much better than you're anticipating. I know what you mean about fast-forwarding to the 20-month age. The Babito is 21 months now and he is SO much easier than he was only a few months ago.

Here's hoping you get an easy and good baby! =)

LovenLife said...

I have been feeling that way myself! My first born is now 18. I keep thinking what was I thinking...

LovenLife said...

Meant to add to my last comment that I am now almost 9 months pregnant with baby C., hence what was I thinking!

jenontheedge said...

This is a really challenging time right now. You have a lot going on and a lot to deal with, but I feel confident that everything will work out for you.

Michele_3 said...

Listen girlfriend I have been there..
When I was pregnant with my 3rd I felt very overwhelmed at times but when that little baby arrives everything just falls into place..

Really..I mean your going to be missing your sleep for awhile(I won't lie..LOL!)But everything will be really great! Your a great mom!
I understand how you feel truly- There just seems to be never enough time in the day right?
especially for the things we REALLY want to be doing..
HUGS!

3XMom said...

oooh..hang in there! It will be ok..you will see. Something about the third - they know they have to be easy or you will go out of your mind - so they are! I promise! Hang in there, it will be great!

Jill@Who Could Ask for Anything More said...

I'm with you on the overwhelmed part..guess it's just part of being a mom, huh? **sigh**. If it's any consolation, many times I've heard having a third child is sometimes easier than when you went from one to two. Somehow the third one comes along and kind of "slips right in the loop" and seems to go with the flow. One thing that really helps us is having only one activity per child and we don't do any year-long activities until age 7. It just helps keep those few precious hours between getting off work and going to bed family oriented.