Thursday, February 26, 2009

Happy, Sad, Confused, Relieved, Scared...Plus a Million Other Emotions I'm Feeling

We filed our 10-K yesterday. It feels so good to have that done! This year went so much smoother than last year, which I would like to attribute to me being better at my job (since last year I had just been thrown into my position and kudos to my boss for putting up with my lack of knowledge and experience!), but who knows. I do know that I had virtually no over-time and very little weekend work the past two months, which is just amazing!

On the flip side of that we had to let our nanny go on Monday. It was one of the hardest days I’ve had in a long time. The previous Saturday Kylie had told me that when they were at McDonald’s, Ryan had fallen out of his carrier, onto the floor. I was caught off-guard and John and I kept going over the whole scenario with her again and again. I contacted the nanny and her response was “Ryan woke up and startled himself and started crying.” Kylie and Josh both said that they saw him on the ground, on his belly. The nanny informed me that she had laid him on the ground to un-swaddle him. I just had such an uneasy feeling the whole weekend.

John and I talked and talked…it was hard because she was so good with the kids! We had some minor issues with her, but we were working through them. But it all kept coming back to judgment. She acknowledged that Ryan was not buckled into his carrier when she was swinging him, and that’s why he got startled. There have also been other judgment issues – Kylie told us that the nanny asked if Kylie could flat iron her own hair one day (my flat iron gets up to 425 degrees) and my fantastic little girl informed her that she’s not allowed to touch my flat iron! But the kids loved her, and she played with them all day, and Ryan really loved snuggling with her.

But Sunday night John and I agreed that we could not worry about the safety of our children, no matter how good she was with the kids. And while we weren’t 100% sure it happened the way Kylie said it did, too many things seemed off and Kylie has no reason to make up a story like that. So we agreed that we would let her know Monday night that we were done, and that whole day I was sick to my stomach.

I mean, my head knew that’s what we had to do. But I have such compassion for this girl, and I knew how much she truly loved the kids, and how hard this was going to be for her (she had cried on the phone when I confronted her about the whole situation on Saturday).

On Monday Kylie called me crying saying that the nanny told her to call me and tell me that she was lying. That she didn’t actually see Ryan fall. I told her and the nanny that they should not be talking about this and that she shouldn’t bring it up again. I guess at one point Kylie went downstairs and found her laying on the floor crying. Kylie asked her what was wrong and she said “I just can’t do anything right.” Later Monday night we learned from Josh that when he was upstairs laying down for his nap her heard Kylie and the nanny talking about it (which was after I specifically told her to stop).

So after work we talked to her. And she cried, but went on her way. And then I cried. A lot. We asked Kylie and Josh again what happened, and realized by this point, with listening to the nanny all day, she didn’t remember what happened…she kept saying “the nanny said he didn’t fall…” But Josh told us that he saw Kylie crying when it happened, and we asked her why she was crying, and she told us that she was worried about Ryan. The nanny said that Kylie “assumed the worst when she heard Ryan crying,” but I’ve never had Kylie come up to me crying when she hears Ryan crying…she just assumes he’s hungry!

Here I go again…trying to convince myself that we did the right thing…which we did….right? I’m just surprised at how many people aren’t shocked when I tell them that Ryan fell out of the carrier. I see more sympathy towards having to let the nanny go than compassion about us having to worry about his safety. These encounters are not helping me feel better about our decision. Am I crazy???

Right now we have our first babysitter watching the kids. She’s the one that started watching Kylie when she was 8 months and had Joshie since he was born. She lives ½ hour away, and while we tried taking the kids there for 6 months after we moved, we just couldn’t keep doing it (she lives ½ hour in the opposite direction of work and home). She comes to our house and has picked up where she left off…the kids know they have rules to follow and I feel so comfortable when I’m at work knowing that they are safe and loved. So that has been a huge relief! I’m trying to hard to convince her that this would be a great job for her and she should take it permanently!

So that’s what has been going on with us. We are now interviewing nannies again and just trying to spend as much time together as a family as possible!


Anonymous said...

You and John need to make decisions that YOU feel are best for your children. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. Everyone has their own opinion and everyone wants you to think the way they do. Not the case.

Move to NY and I'll take care of them :)

3XMom said...

it also doesn't matter what exactly happened. You cannot lose confidence in your children's caregiver and keep your sanity. You would never have again felt comfortable - and that is enough. You need to feel comfortable with the people taking care of your children. Whatever happened - the fact that the nanny discussed this with your kids is issue enough. Its about how YOU feel..and that is all that matters.

Bethany said...

You totally did the right thing. The kids are the most important part of this whole situation. You must be confident in the care they are getting. Always go with your gut. You did the right thing.

radioactive girl said...

I believe you need to do what feels right for you. I wouldn't be able to leave my kids somewhere that left doubt in my head about how they would be all day. Even if the situation did not happen quite as your kids said it did (I'm not doubting your kids at all, just saying sometimes kids misinterpret what they see) the nanny STILL did things that would leave me feeling not ok with the situation. Why would she ever tell the kids to lie to you? Why would she be talking about it at all to them? Totally innappropriate in my opinion. Her job is to love your kids and take care of them to the best of her ability. If anything goes on, that should be between the parent and the nanny...the kids should never be made to feel like they are in the middle! So what I'm saying is that you are trusting your gut and I feel like that is totally valid. It stinks that you need to look for someone else AGAIN but you are a great mom and need to do what makes you feel secure that they will be happy and safe at all times.

Amy W said...

So you do understand turnover...

Amy W said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Sherry said...

Don't know what happened to my first comment!!!
So is Ryan okay? He didn't get hurt in the fall did he?
You and your husband are right in letting the nanny go. You had doubts and that's all it takes. Your children's safety and welfare come first as you know, so yep you were right to let her go.
I hope you find one soon, one that eases your mind and one that has the best interest of your children. You are a great family, you have the instincts and will find one that's perfect.
Glad you didn't struggle at work this year, see you are the "PRO" now!!

Daddy Dan said...

Hi Debbie!

Long time, no see. I've been away from blogging for a while now, but had to weigh in on this.

You did the absolutely right thing in letting the nanny go, because you lost confidence in her. You have to feel comfortable with the person taking care of your kids, and if you don't for ANY reason you have to make a change, for your own sanity.

Anonymous said...

About 99% of our lives is running around and hoping that we've managed to make everything safe and happy for our kids. You absolutely did the right thing, there is nothing more important than the safety of our children. It's commendable that your nanny loved and cared about the kids but part of that is making sure they are safe all the time.

So sorry that you guys can't seem to catch a break in the nanny situation. Good luck with the interviews and even though it's upsetting, you did the right thing.

Jillian, Inc said...

*ugh* so sorry. Of course you did the right thing and it wasn't a rash decision, obviously. What I find wrong on the nanny's part is she didn't tell you he fell out...which means she knows she did something wrong. And then she proved your feelings right by continuing to talk to your daughter when you asked her not to. So sorry you had to have this happen.

Wesley Jeanne said...

I think I would have let her go *just* fortalking to Kylie about it. It's not fair to put the child in the middle like that, and look at the stress it put on her. The nany should neve rhave done that. Regardless of what actually happened, the way she handled the issue is enough to let her go.
You did the right thing. In my opinion.