Happy, Sad, Confused, Relieved, Scared...Plus a Million Other Emotions I'm Feeling

We filed our 10-K yesterday. It feels so good to have that done! This year went so much smoother than last year, which I would like to attribute to me being better at my job (since last year I had just been thrown into my position and kudos to my boss for putting up with my lack of knowledge and experience!), but who knows. I do know that I had virtually no over-time and very little weekend work the past two months, which is just amazing!

On the flip side of that we had to let our nanny go on Monday. It was one of the hardest days I’ve had in a long time. The previous Saturday Kylie had told me that when they were at McDonald’s, Ryan had fallen out of his carrier, onto the floor. I was caught off-guard and John and I kept going over the whole scenario with her again and again. I contacted the nanny and her response was “Ryan woke up and startled himself and started crying.” Kylie and Josh both said that they saw him on the ground, on his belly. The nanny informed me that she had laid him on the ground to un-swaddle him. I just had such an uneasy feeling the whole weekend.

John and I talked and talked…it was hard because she was so good with the kids! We had some minor issues with her, but we were working through them. But it all kept coming back to judgment. She acknowledged that Ryan was not buckled into his carrier when she was swinging him, and that’s why he got startled. There have also been other judgment issues – Kylie told us that the nanny asked if Kylie could flat iron her own hair one day (my flat iron gets up to 425 degrees) and my fantastic little girl informed her that she’s not allowed to touch my flat iron! But the kids loved her, and she played with them all day, and Ryan really loved snuggling with her.

But Sunday night John and I agreed that we could not worry about the safety of our children, no matter how good she was with the kids. And while we weren’t 100% sure it happened the way Kylie said it did, too many things seemed off and Kylie has no reason to make up a story like that. So we agreed that we would let her know Monday night that we were done, and that whole day I was sick to my stomach.

I mean, my head knew that’s what we had to do. But I have such compassion for this girl, and I knew how much she truly loved the kids, and how hard this was going to be for her (she had cried on the phone when I confronted her about the whole situation on Saturday).

On Monday Kylie called me crying saying that the nanny told her to call me and tell me that she was lying. That she didn’t actually see Ryan fall. I told her and the nanny that they should not be talking about this and that she shouldn’t bring it up again. I guess at one point Kylie went downstairs and found her laying on the floor crying. Kylie asked her what was wrong and she said “I just can’t do anything right.” Later Monday night we learned from Josh that when he was upstairs laying down for his nap her heard Kylie and the nanny talking about it (which was after I specifically told her to stop).

So after work we talked to her. And she cried, but went on her way. And then I cried. A lot. We asked Kylie and Josh again what happened, and realized by this point, with listening to the nanny all day, she didn’t remember what happened…she kept saying “the nanny said he didn’t fall…” But Josh told us that he saw Kylie crying when it happened, and we asked her why she was crying, and she told us that she was worried about Ryan. The nanny said that Kylie “assumed the worst when she heard Ryan crying,” but I’ve never had Kylie come up to me crying when she hears Ryan crying…she just assumes he’s hungry!

Here I go again…trying to convince myself that we did the right thing…which we did….right? I’m just surprised at how many people aren’t shocked when I tell them that Ryan fell out of the carrier. I see more sympathy towards having to let the nanny go than compassion about us having to worry about his safety. These encounters are not helping me feel better about our decision. Am I crazy???

Right now we have our first babysitter watching the kids. She’s the one that started watching Kylie when she was 8 months and had Joshie since he was born. She lives ½ hour away, and while we tried taking the kids there for 6 months after we moved, we just couldn’t keep doing it (she lives ½ hour in the opposite direction of work and home). She comes to our house and has picked up where she left off…the kids know they have rules to follow and I feel so comfortable when I’m at work knowing that they are safe and loved. So that has been a huge relief! I’m trying to hard to convince her that this would be a great job for her and she should take it permanently!

So that’s what has been going on with us. We are now interviewing nannies again and just trying to spend as much time together as a family as possible!